we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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