Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
