I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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