8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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