did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
