last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
