He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
