Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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