need another drink. this is the easiest way
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
