he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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