I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
