I want to have your abortion
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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