i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
