So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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