Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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