oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
