Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
