did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
