We won't sleep together?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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