Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
