I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
