I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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