I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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