the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
