Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this boner is exhausting
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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