I puked a lego.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
