Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
