Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
