u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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