When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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