You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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