TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
