Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
