i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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