I think I died a long time ago.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
