if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
