i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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