you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
