By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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