Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize