Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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