I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize