u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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