I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
