Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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