Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
