It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
