he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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