i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
