where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
