please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
