I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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