I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My hand turned me down
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
