Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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