we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
