Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
