Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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