he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
