she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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