I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
