it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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