You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
