I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize