can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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