What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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