life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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