You just made me feel so damn special
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
