Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
