he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She told me I should be a condom model.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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