oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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