Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
